Oh, so much to talk about. For starters: I decided to do my masters right after I graduate with my undergrad (God willing). I had an incredible offer I simply cannot pass up… Albany/APCA was fun! Exhausting, but really fun. Nationals are going to kick my ass when I’m already down. Driving to Hershey’s gonna be insane. CAB started a TikTok account! “Vstujcampusactivities” if you boobs are interested. I started a new book. I lost the last chapter of Naked by David Sedaris, which sucks because I was looking forward to the titular chapter. I know it was good too. I love his writing (sans slurs) so much. I definitely adapted his writing style into mine. I’m now reading Beartown by Fredrick Backman. I like him a lot too. I read My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She’s Sorry during an inpatient stay and I cried so hard. I also like his writing style a lot. It’s like a refined fanfiction author. The book’s about hockey and murder, but mainly hockey right now.
I want a tattoo. I’m in a lot of pain. Lowkey hungry, but not really. I owe a couple people a couple dollars. I’ve been thinking about horses a lot more. My car’s in the shop in St. Albans. Coming up on a week now and they haven’t updated me on anything. I hope my baby’s okay. I need to wash my hair. My alarm’s set for 9am and it’s 2:25am right now. I had a rose cider which was really good. People keep thinking my government-issued ID is fake. I don’t like that.
I miss my mother. Not really my brother. More like the presence of family. I’m grateful for the people I call my own, but it’s not always the same. I lost my 98 day Wordle streak. Soon after I lost my 65 day Connections streak. I heard there’s a strike on New York Times mini games and recipes right now. There’s a website where the workers are still providing those and more with strike-related answers. Power to the people.
I’ve been joking about loaded guns and five paces due north a lot. I still go in to kiss people like a man. I’m not going back to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving, even though it’s the last one in my cousin’s house. We’ve had Thanksgiving there since before I was a thought in my parents’ minds. I’m going back for exactly fourteen days over the semester break. I can’t be there for longer than 3-4 weeks, otherwise my dissociations get too bad and I have bad thoughts. I’m afraid one day I’ll never go back again.
I’ve been thinking of going back on meds. I know how I am when I’m on them. I’m excited to start teaching (again, God willing), but I’m also so terrified. I haven’t changed my profile picture in a while. I think I’m gonna join a Dungeons and Dragons campaign. My left boob is sitting so nice right now. I miss my nips being pierced. The mirror I have in my room (that I stole from the Martinetti common room) gives me such bad body dysmorphia. I understand why someone would want to get rid of it. It’s like the Target skinny mirrors. What is Shane Dawson up to now? Still doing makeup? Still proposing on both knees?
I think I’m not capable of non-platonic love. Sometimes I’m scared I’m not gay and/or trans and I’ve been putting on a front. Instead of shaving my head during a manic-induced imposter syndrome spout, I decided on cutting my bangs instead. If I ever threaten to shave my head and/or rewatch Glee, you know it’s time to get me to the nearest mental hospital. It’s 26 degrees and I have a fan on me and my window open. I don’t like that my window is facing the parking lot. I don’t think people can really see me in there, but it’s still unsettling sometimes. I wasn’t in my apartment today from 10am to 1am.
It snowed the other day. Mostly melted now. It’s normal for it to snow in October; it just hasn’t done that in years. I think Adrianne Lenker is one of this generation’s greatest singer/songwriters. Sometimes I feel bad if a song I really like gets popular on social media. I know people won’t digest it the way it’s supposed to. Instead of ragged swallowing with punches as it slides down further and further into you, it’s now taken at face value. I fear people aren’t smart enough for some songs anymore. I think I should get a journal. I’ve been writing my Ss in a new way. I like it. I’ve been looping my Gs and Ys more too; it’s more concise. Baby likes conciseness. I want a thesaurus. And a hot dog. I think they get too much hate. I understand it, though. I’m very appreciative that grammar comes naturally to me.
I miss my mom. I miss my grandma. I miss my friends before they voted against me and my rights. I like that Karlie and I send each other our NYT Mini Games stats every day. Now we send each other our strike stats. I also love our mutual love for the same things at the same time. Right now it’s Snoopy. I love Snoopy. He’s so silly. The CVS in Morrisville isn’t too good at doing tax exempt forms. I haven’t smoked weed in a while. I pick at my nails too much. They’re all different lengths. It makes it much harder to scratch efficiently. I’m working three jobs and only make so much. I really love Johnson. I’m gonna be here for at least four more years. The mountains make me feel safe. I’d like to retire my bones in Maine, I think. I only have one pair of scissors. When I hit 60 I’m going to kill myself. I think I’m done now.